kate_nepveu: sleeping cat carved in brown wood (Default)

Lots of people are suggesting concrete actions to take in the wake of the Public Domain Boobs Project. A non-exhaustive list: [livejournal.com profile] miriammoules ponders teaching communication skills—which I suspect has a lot in common with the "Our Whole Lives" sexuality education curricula from the Unitarian Universalists, and let me just say that I am even more determined that FutureBaby should get some variant of this than I was before; [livejournal.com profile] synecdochic has another long meaty post on how not to be That Guy; and as already noted, [livejournal.com profile] backupproject is starting up.

I've been noodling with a related question since quite early in this discussion, the source(s) of self-esteem. cut for length )

So, now I'm wondering how to raise FutureBaby with a fundamental conviction that you are the best judge of your self-worth, based on sensible moral and ethical values (or some other way of phrasing it that avoids both sociopathy and too much dependence on the opinions of others). Not just with regard to sexual behavior, but in everything, starting from day one.

If you all have recommendations for resources, or comments about what worked for you, or things I've overlooked, or anything else that you'd like to share, I'd like to hear it.

kate_nepveu: sleeping cat carved in brown wood (Default)

Still lots of discussion going on; this is just an attempt to highlight a few different aspects.

[livejournal.com profile] novapsyche describes why she took part and how she reacted to the original post.

[livejournal.com profile] synecdochic on "sex-positive", "getting-laid-positive," performative sexuality, and bystander consent.

[livejournal.com profile] delux_vivens on overlooked racial aspects of the "project" and subsequent discussions.

[livejournal.com profile] vito_excalibur proposes the Open Source Women Back Each Other Up Program. One place for buttons and T-shirts is CafePress. Practical tips from kathryn_ironic in comments and shaysdays in a separate post.

And on a lighter note, [livejournal.com profile] nineveh_uk imagines the whole idea as a lost flashback from Strong Poison.

kate_nepveu: sleeping cat carved in brown wood (Default)

Trying to highlight interesting comments that I've seen, without being too repetitive of things people have already said in comments to my prior post (at least as they stood a few hours ago, before I went off to an appointment):

[livejournal.com profile] coffeeandink has links to good comments in the original post; in comments to her post, [livejournal.com profile] rydra_wong succintly articulates the privilege behind the original post, and [livejournal.com profile] giandujakiss points out the broader context about what men and women are taught to want.

Also in [livejournal.com profile] coffeeandink's comments, [livejournal.com profile] lnhammer notes the problems with the originators' choice of name, and says, "I suggest everyone start calling it the Public Domain Boobs Project. Mockery being a most excellent criticism."

In a comment to [livejournal.com profile] the_red_shoes's post, [livejournal.com profile] rushthatspeaks points out not only the threat of the question but the way that people opposing it are being told they're unworthy of being heard.

[livejournal.com profile] springheel_jack sets out how this reinforcement of sexism stems from the basic libertarian fallacy.

[livejournal.com profile] hahathor proposes The Open-Source Knuckle Sandwich Project.

ETA 2: I also like the way [livejournal.com profile] misia phrases her Open Source Swift Kick to the Balls Project.

Finally for now, [livejournal.com profile] theferrett has edited his original post to say that people shouldn't do this and that the Open-Source Boob Project is dead. I have issues with the phrasing of his edit, but am glad of the practical statements in it.

ETA: on a tangent, [livejournal.com profile] veejane has smart comments about safety at cons. And now I'm really done for a while, possibly the night, honest.

kate_nepveu: sleeping cat carved in brown wood (Default)

If you are a stranger, especially a man, perhaps especially in a group of other strangers who are men, and you come up to me and say, "You're very beautiful. I'd like to touch your breasts. Would you mind if I did?":

You will put me in fear.

Because you could be someone who will go away quietly if I say no (which I will). You could be the exiled gay prince of Farlandia, cursed to wander this Earth looking for the key to his return that can only be revealed by touching the breast of a willing stranger, and who isn't enjoying this at all. You could, in short, not be a danger to me.

But how am I supposed to know that?

How am I supposed to distinguish you from the person who says he's really just whatever, but is actually going to put emotional pressure on me, or make a scene, or stalk me, or rape me?

I can't. Because that would require a level of discernment and of trust that is not possible, by definition, in my dealings with a stranger.

And therefore, if you ask to touch my breasts, you will frighten me.

If your goal is actually to make a better world, I suggest that you use a method that doesn't involve putting women in fear.

(Also, I find it hard to believe you can create "the kind of world where [people can] say, 'Wow, I'd like to touch your breasts,' and people would understand that it's not a way of reducing you to a set of nipples and ignoring the rest of you, but rather a way of saying that I may not yet know your mind, but your body is beautiful," by going up to women, touching their breasts, and then going away. Among many, many other problems that are noted in the comments to the original. But that's secondary to my main point here.)

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