Mostly, I think I'm trying to say (badly, because this is one of the few areas in my life that I am actively bitter about) that I only have "passing privilege" when I'm closeted or not out EXPLICITLY to the person in question. Which means that literally every queer person not either a stereotype, bearing a very obvious tattoo/pride paraphernalia or either physically sharing space with their same-sex spouse and/or mentioning them at the time to a stranger, has passing privilege. There is nothing about being in a het relationship that's different for what people will assume about me than when I'm single; when I'm single the "tax laws don't take me into account!" doesn't apply to me, either. (Plus I'm Canadian so it STILL doesn't apply to me even if I were married.) So do I have passing privilege right now? And if so who doesn't?
Which, at that point it . . . .ceases to hold meaning, to me. And "your life isn't as hard because you PASS" or "you could just marry a GUY and you might as well be straight anyway" etc (not to mention "you're with a guy so you're a liar/proof that all "bi" girls are really straight"/etc normal biphobia) is something that gets thrown at bi people a LOT (has been thrown at me personally a LOT), and used to justify a lot of shit treatment, exclusion and other bullshit, so I kind of resent it and at this point flinch because almost universally, someone who's going to draw that distinction/think it's a big deal is going to treat me badly.
"Coming out" isn't a one time only experience for me either; if I don't want to be closeted/ignored I have to do the same dance, except even more fun because it becomes "why are you bringing up your sex life right now?" because my relationship/lack thereof isn't a short-hand for my sexuality. In fact the only time I STOP having to come out is when people assume my best friend is my girlfriend/wife and it becomes a huge relief.
(This happens pretty persistently. Granted we then have to correct people just to make sure she doesn't miss a date or hookup she might otherwise enjoy because the boys think she's taken, but their image of ME is already cemented as "not straight" and I don't have to correct it and deal with the shit.)
So I dunno. I guess I have a fuck of a lot of sympathy with the tumblr poster, for most of the above reasons, and the "passing privilege" of bisexuals in het relationships is something I'm pretty sour about.
It's worth noting that I think I'm a bit younger than you, figured out I was bi when I was 15, and started getting the shit more or less immediately afterwards to the point where I seriously considered just telling everyone I was a lesbian because then they would shut up and accept it instead of telling me it was a phase (no, seriously, this is the situation I came out as a wee thing into - "well you didn't say you were GAY, so I'm concerned that this is just a phase and you're confusing strong friendship for sex-love"); I have been outright told that writing a story where a male bisexual and a female bisexual end up together is "harming queer people" and "queer erasure" because it "implies that all gay people will eventually end up with the opposite sex" and live in a country with equal marriage laws, so at this point being told that "passing" is a "privilege" makes my lip twist. I'd wear a damn pride-necklace/something, except that if I wear just the rainbow again the assumption is that I'm a lesbian, not bi, and almost none of the straight people I know have any clue what the bisexual flag/colours mean, so it's not helpful.
So my perspective may legitimately (and this is not a criticism, just a note) be coming from a very different place than that of someone who figured out their sexuality as a full adult, after they were happily married, etc.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2014-04-04 02:06 am (UTC)Which, at that point it . . . .ceases to hold meaning, to me. And "your life isn't as hard because you PASS" or "you could just marry a GUY and you might as well be straight anyway" etc (not to mention "you're with a guy so you're a liar/proof that all "bi" girls are really straight"/etc normal biphobia) is something that gets thrown at bi people a LOT (has been thrown at me personally a LOT), and used to justify a lot of shit treatment, exclusion and other bullshit, so I kind of resent it and at this point flinch because almost universally, someone who's going to draw that distinction/think it's a big deal is going to treat me badly.
"Coming out" isn't a one time only experience for me either; if I don't want to be closeted/ignored I have to do the same dance, except even more fun because it becomes "why are you bringing up your sex life right now?" because my relationship/lack thereof isn't a short-hand for my sexuality. In fact the only time I STOP having to come out is when people assume my best friend is my girlfriend/wife and it becomes a huge relief.
(This happens pretty persistently. Granted we then have to correct people just to make sure she doesn't miss a date or hookup she might otherwise enjoy because the boys think she's taken, but their image of ME is already cemented as "not straight" and I don't have to correct it and deal with the shit.)
So I dunno. I guess I have a fuck of a lot of sympathy with the tumblr poster, for most of the above reasons, and the "passing privilege" of bisexuals in het relationships is something I'm pretty sour about.
It's worth noting that I think I'm a bit younger than you, figured out I was bi when I was 15, and started getting the shit more or less immediately afterwards to the point where I seriously considered just telling everyone I was a lesbian because then they would shut up and accept it instead of telling me it was a phase (no, seriously, this is the situation I came out as a wee thing into - "well you didn't say you were GAY, so I'm concerned that this is just a phase and you're confusing strong friendship for sex-love"); I have been outright told that writing a story where a male bisexual and a female bisexual end up together is "harming queer people" and "queer erasure" because it "implies that all gay people will eventually end up with the opposite sex" and live in a country with equal marriage laws, so at this point being told that "passing" is a "privilege" makes my lip twist. I'd wear a damn pride-necklace/something, except that if I wear just the rainbow again the assumption is that I'm a lesbian, not bi, and almost none of the straight people I know have any clue what the bisexual flag/colours mean, so it's not helpful.
So my perspective may legitimately (and this is not a criticism, just a note) be coming from a very different place than that of someone who figured out their sexuality as a full adult, after they were happily married, etc.