two links about heteronormativity

[kate_nepveu]

First: You're Always Coming Out, by thefourthvine.

Coming out is supposed to happen in One Big Moment. Usually your One Big Moment involves coming out to your parents; sometimes, especially in fiction, it's coming out at a press conference or in front of an audience or something. But wherever it happens, the concept is the same: in that moment, your whole life changes. Before, you were closeted and ashamed, and after, you become open and honest. You have chewed your way out of the cocoon of secrecy to emerge as a beautiful gay butterfly!

[ . . . ]

So my One Big Moment was -- not. It was not big. It was not dramatic. It was, to be honest, pretty comical. [ . . . ] It didn't even manage to be a single moment, since I spread it over most of a day.

This was probably much better preparation for the rest of my life than I thought at the time.

Second: untitled post at imreallybad, which is very short, so in full:

bisexual people passing as straight when they’re in a straight relationship is not “passing privilege.” it’s erasure. it’s assimilation.

that’s like saying that femme lesbians have privilege over butch lesbians. invisibility might keep people safer on a micro-level which is fucked up, but it’s all based on people thinking they can tell who’s queer & who’s straight just by looking at them, which is infinitely problematic and painful.

don’t alienate queer people who are assumed to be straight. invisibility is a symptom of hetero-normativity, not a privilege.

With regard to this one: I agree with the first sentence of the last paragraph, but I'm not entirely convinced by the last. Or maybe I'm not thinking of "privilege" in a sufficiently narrow/term-of-art sense. But the day-in, day-out that thefourthvine describes? I'm in a heterosexual relationship, and as a result I don't have to do that.

Don't get me wrong—invisibility sucks! It's why I bothered to come out in the first place! But, seeing those posts in that order . . . I don't know, it just felt like a post I should make.

(And now, having failed to come to a better conclusion, I must take my dull self off to do some dishes and make the kids' lunches. Talk among yourselves, if you like.)

Comments

[kate_nepveu]

That sucks. I'm sorry.

In saying that bisexuals who can pass have privilege, I was not trying to say that that applies to all bisexuals or that biphobia isn't a thing, and I'm sorry if I did. (If you're using the post as a handy springboard to talk about a related topic, no problem.)

And yeah, the ambiguity of "queer" is why I decided to self-identify as bi, though naturally I reserve the right to change that as time goes on.

[recessional]

Mostly, I think I'm trying to say (badly, because this is one of the few areas in my life that I am actively bitter about) that I only have "passing privilege" when I'm closeted or not out EXPLICITLY to the person in question. Which means that literally every queer person not either a stereotype, bearing a very obvious tattoo/pride paraphernalia or either physically sharing space with their same-sex spouse and/or mentioning them at the time to a stranger, has passing privilege. There is nothing about being in a het relationship that's different for what people will assume about me than when I'm single; when I'm single the "tax laws don't take me into account!" doesn't apply to me, either. (Plus I'm Canadian so it STILL doesn't apply to me even if I were married.) So do I have passing privilege right now? And if so who doesn't?

Which, at that point it . . . .ceases to hold meaning, to me. And "your life isn't as hard because you PASS" or "you could just marry a GUY and you might as well be straight anyway" etc (not to mention "you're with a guy so you're a liar/proof that all "bi" girls are really straight"/etc normal biphobia) is something that gets thrown at bi people a LOT (has been thrown at me personally a LOT), and used to justify a lot of shit treatment, exclusion and other bullshit, so I kind of resent it and at this point flinch because almost universally, someone who's going to draw that distinction/think it's a big deal is going to treat me badly.

"Coming out" isn't a one time only experience for me either; if I don't want to be closeted/ignored I have to do the same dance, except even more fun because it becomes "why are you bringing up your sex life right now?" because my relationship/lack thereof isn't a short-hand for my sexuality. In fact the only time I STOP having to come out is when people assume my best friend is my girlfriend/wife and it becomes a huge relief.

(This happens pretty persistently. Granted we then have to correct people just to make sure she doesn't miss a date or hookup she might otherwise enjoy because the boys think she's taken, but their image of ME is already cemented as "not straight" and I don't have to correct it and deal with the shit.)

So I dunno. I guess I have a fuck of a lot of sympathy with the tumblr poster, for most of the above reasons, and the "passing privilege" of bisexuals in het relationships is something I'm pretty sour about.

It's worth noting that I think I'm a bit younger than you, figured out I was bi when I was 15, and started getting the shit more or less immediately afterwards to the point where I seriously considered just telling everyone I was a lesbian because then they would shut up and accept it instead of telling me it was a phase (no, seriously, this is the situation I came out as a wee thing into - "well you didn't say you were GAY, so I'm concerned that this is just a phase and you're confusing strong friendship for sex-love"); I have been outright told that writing a story where a male bisexual and a female bisexual end up together is "harming queer people" and "queer erasure" because it "implies that all gay people will eventually end up with the opposite sex" and live in a country with equal marriage laws, so at this point being told that "passing" is a "privilege" makes my lip twist. I'd wear a damn pride-necklace/something, except that if I wear just the rainbow again the assumption is that I'm a lesbian, not bi, and almost none of the straight people I know have any clue what the bisexual flag/colours mean, so it's not helpful.

So my perspective may legitimately (and this is not a criticism, just a note) be coming from a very different place than that of someone who figured out their sexuality as a full adult, after they were happily married, etc.

[kate_nepveu]

Thank you for the explanation--you don't owe it to me, but I appreciate hearing where you're coming from, and I found it helpful and thought-provoking.

[recessional]

Np. And on reflection, I'm sorry for the level of profanity. -.-

And, on reflection and it bears saying, I might feel differently if I didn't live in a nation with equal marriage.

[kate_nepveu]

Pfft. No need to apologize.

And yeah. The tide, it is turning more swiftly than I expected in the US, but I am still very anxious about the legal landscape.

[storme]

My experience mirrors yours massively except I ended up married -- well, haha, civilly partnered, although converting that to a marriage is expected to become possible here soon -- to a woman. But for the 9 years before I met her, I was in a long-term straight relationship and boy-howdy did I get some side-eyes for explaining that I was *also* into women and oh god did the gay community deal out a lot of shit at me for being with a man how dare I. At university before that I was informed that I was not allowed to be LGBT rep for my campus because I had a boyfriend at the time. I always *hated* being accused of having passing privilege but coming out was this wall of WE DON'T TAKE YOUR SEXUALITY SERIOUSLY from both sides. So, yes, I am right there with you on all of this, and you have my sympathies.

(Nowadays I spend a lot of time carefully explaining that hey actually I still like men, and that it doesn't matter that I never intend to be with anyone except my wife ever again, my actual sexual identity STILL MATTERS and no stating it to folks is not a come-on. I have a massive and very-visible-to-people-who-know-me-at-all crush on a male celebrity and that's turned out to be more useful than I'd have thought for clarifying my identity to others. But yes, it is still a huge relief to be starting from the lesbian end of the spectrum as an assumption, instead of the other end.)

[storme]

Also, thinking this over (and at a big tangent), I think what really gets me enraged about biphobia generally is this bizarre underlying assumption that just because I am okay with my lovers being of any gender, I somehow get a CHOICE about the gender of the person I fall in love with. Like I could have gone, no, I don't want to fall in love with this woman, let me find a man instead so I can pass for straight. Or, no, I don't feel visible queer enough, this time I'm gonna find me a girl to love. Love doesn't work that way for anyone, surely?