On asking to touch the breasts of a stranger

[kate_nepveu]

If you are a stranger, especially a man, perhaps especially in a group of other strangers who are men, and you come up to me and say, "You're very beautiful. I'd like to touch your breasts. Would you mind if I did?":

You will put me in fear.

Because you could be someone who will go away quietly if I say no (which I will). You could be the exiled gay prince of Farlandia, cursed to wander this Earth looking for the key to his return that can only be revealed by touching the breast of a willing stranger, and who isn't enjoying this at all. You could, in short, not be a danger to me.

But how am I supposed to know that?

How am I supposed to distinguish you from the person who says he's really just whatever, but is actually going to put emotional pressure on me, or make a scene, or stalk me, or rape me?

I can't. Because that would require a level of discernment and of trust that is not possible, by definition, in my dealings with a stranger.

And therefore, if you ask to touch my breasts, you will frighten me.

If your goal is actually to make a better world, I suggest that you use a method that doesn't involve putting women in fear.

(Also, I find it hard to believe you can create "the kind of world where [people can] say, 'Wow, I'd like to touch your breasts,' and people would understand that it's not a way of reducing you to a set of nipples and ignoring the rest of you, but rather a way of saying that I may not yet know your mind, but your body is beautiful," by going up to women, touching their breasts, and then going away. Among many, many other problems that are noted in the comments to the original. But that's secondary to my main point here.)

Comments

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I was previously unaware that my two options were (1) I am ashamed of and/or selfish about my body, and (2) I am A-OK with having a big group of strangers grope my body.

I like emmycantbemeeko's comment that " think "men have insufficient chances to touch boobs" is about the lowest possible priority sexual problem facing our society. "Men feel overly entitled to access to women's bodies" is pretty close to the top." That about sums up my feelings. The presence of women in the boob-touching group, offered as a defense of why emmycantbemeeko must be totally off-base, doesn't move me in the slightest. There are, and have been throughout time, plenty of women who are willing to participate in the objectification of women for the delectation of men. It tends to get them plenty of favorable male attention, after all.

Some of theferrett's comments are creeping me the fuck out. "your response seems to come from a personal mindset of, "My body is something so special to me that only people I have firmly vetted and talked to and invested in should be allowed to touch those areas." Which is fine. [...] But that also involves an interview process, and the attitude that your body is a vested space that is, by nature, exclusive. That's fine. But that doesn't mean it's the only way to be, or that it's always healthy."

On my Top 10 list of things I don't need: a crowd of roving fanboys expressing their concern about whether my interest in preserving my own bodily integrity is "healthy."

But I guess I'm all about "scarcity."

[kate_nepveu]

Do you and glvalentine know each other? Because you should. *points upthread*

Anyway. I read the top-level comments to see if anyone had obviously made the point about, hello, threatening! Fear! But did not read the OP's responses because I didn't have time. And now I think I'm not going to because either he's a troll or someone who will make me want to scrub my brains out and then bar from my presence.

Regardless (and I know you know this, but just to reiterate): one's attitude towards one's body is IRRELEVANT to the fact that this is a bad idea for the reasons I stated above.

[pecunium.livejournal.com]

Damned straight my body is special to me, and only people I've vetted should be allowed to touch those areas (and, largely, any other areas).

My body "is" a vested space, and; by nature, exclusive.

And yes, I think it's always healthy.