On asking to touch the breasts of a stranger

[kate_nepveu]

If you are a stranger, especially a man, perhaps especially in a group of other strangers who are men, and you come up to me and say, "You're very beautiful. I'd like to touch your breasts. Would you mind if I did?":

You will put me in fear.

Because you could be someone who will go away quietly if I say no (which I will). You could be the exiled gay prince of Farlandia, cursed to wander this Earth looking for the key to his return that can only be revealed by touching the breast of a willing stranger, and who isn't enjoying this at all. You could, in short, not be a danger to me.

But how am I supposed to know that?

How am I supposed to distinguish you from the person who says he's really just whatever, but is actually going to put emotional pressure on me, or make a scene, or stalk me, or rape me?

I can't. Because that would require a level of discernment and of trust that is not possible, by definition, in my dealings with a stranger.

And therefore, if you ask to touch my breasts, you will frighten me.

If your goal is actually to make a better world, I suggest that you use a method that doesn't involve putting women in fear.

(Also, I find it hard to believe you can create "the kind of world where [people can] say, 'Wow, I'd like to touch your breasts,' and people would understand that it's not a way of reducing you to a set of nipples and ignoring the rest of you, but rather a way of saying that I may not yet know your mind, but your body is beautiful," by going up to women, touching their breasts, and then going away. Among many, many other problems that are noted in the comments to the original. But that's secondary to my main point here.)

Comments

[kaitiana.livejournal.com]

This explains my thoughts exactly!

Further: Here's the thing for me with this statement (i.e., For myself, I see no difference between "I'd like to get to know your body better" and "I'd like to get to know your mind better."). There are entire levels (and layers) to both conversation AND physical contact. When you're trying to get to know someone's mind better, you start out at the lower levels and, generally speaking, ask less intrusive and more basic questions until such a time as you DO get to know someone's mind better. Only at that point do you generally proceed to questions that are much more intimate. There are, again generally speaking, certain questions that you just DO NOT ask people when you first meet them. Now, I don't see why I should treat my body any differently. There are certain questions I would answer certain people in my life, based on who they are and the level of intimacy we currently enjoy. The same thing goes for my body! I am not in any way a prude, nor do I think that sex is a dirty thing or that any part of my body is "dirty." However, it IS my body and, as with emotional and intellectual intimacy, I do not feel that I MUST let any Tom, Dick, or Harry do or say anything he (or she, to be fair) feels is A-okay.

There is so much more I probably could and should say, but that's all I have in me right now. This whole thing just...wow.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

I am not one of those "don't ask my certain questions" people, although I recognize (and honor) that others are. I have publicly stated numerous times over the years that anyone can ask me anything they want to; I may decline to answer, but if I answer it will be honest.

I do not feel that I MUST let any Tom, Dick, or Harry do or say anything he (or she, to be fair) feels is A-okay.

Nor do I.

Well, actually, in one sense I must indeed let them do or say anything they feel is OK, because I cannot control others' behavior. But I control my reactions to their behavior, and they might not like my reactions.